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another_episode's Journal

3rd December, 2009. 1:49 am.

im screwed with school.
i need so many credits because i got registered for classes that i didnt need first semester.
this is going to blow making them up.
well shit.

9th October, 2009. 12:42 am.

i am in pain
and there is no one to help me.
all i can do is cry.

18th September, 2009. 1:02 am.

dear world,
i am going to hell

29th August, 2009. 1:58 am.

the last week of my life was busy/horrible
working while being in school is tough
taking more classes that require a lot of work was a bad idea
i know i can handle it all
but i am exhausted.
having absolutely no time to do anything for myself is really getting to me
between 7:20 when i wake up and 6:00 when i get home i have no time
i have 40 minutes to myself until i get home
and that is spent walking across campus to classes
eating lunch
and driving 25 minutes to work.
then when i get home i have hours and hours of reading and homework
i knew it would be really difficult to have time to myself
but i wish i had started preparing myself more during the summer.
god i hate waking up early.

i think it would honestly be A LOT easier if i werent working with kids
you never get to just relax with kids around
you always have to be on guard because you honestly never know what will happen.
its more stressful than most people even realize.
but they gave me a key to the school.
its nice to be considered important.

i think the worst thing about this week
was that i wasnt completely in sync with mikel
we have this thing where we just know whats up
we know how the other is feeling without really having to keep bothering the other person.
but this week weve barely even gotten to speak in general
yeah we can text and all that shit
but its different actually being next to someone other rather than not being in the same room.
its probably seems lame that i need mikel so much
but im starting to realize that in a relationship you have to need the other person
because if you dont whats the point of the relationship?
holding hands and cuddling are nice
but when it comes down to the point i love mikel because he needs me and i need him.
it is us against the world.
when work kicks me down mikel picks me up and calls them bitches.
and i do the same for him.
i am never alone in this.
i sometimes wonder if anyone knows how serious we actually are.
hm?

mikel also points out how non-grown up i am haha.
its nice to have someone say the typical "shut up youre a kid enjoy it" thing
and i am honestly trying to take 2 steps back
i like knowing whats going to happen and how im going to get there
and then taking the steps to make it reality
but i also dont want to miss the part where i learn something from it.

but out of this whole week i am happy to be back
i missed learning
i missed working
i missed figuring things out
i missed writing
i missed buying pens
i missed having a schedule
i missed everything.

it is good to be productive again.

11th August, 2009. 10:32 am.

i think the toughest thing about being in a relationship
is that all the decision you make are judged by someone who isnt even in the couple.
its one of those things where you wish getting both sides of the story mattered.
but im trying to learn that all that matters is that we make decisions that benefit us as a couple
and not worry about judgment, but of course its tough.

i really love my life.
i mean i have my down times but who doesnt?
i dont really see anyone other than mikel or the people at work
but i mean i dont really have time to.
im sad all of my friends are leaving to go back to college
but honestly its like theyve been gone for a month already
because ive had no time at all to spend with them.
which i feel bad about but i needed some responsibility at some point in my life.
its just sad it had to be during the summertime when my friends were home.
and i always see mikel because hes always there and keeps time open for me for when i have time.
he really is my boyfriend and best friend.
it would gross people out how close we are.

in other news i get my new phone at some point today or tommorow
and i am so excited. like seriously. you know how much i love cell phones.

25th July, 2009. 2:21 am.

sometimes i feel like im either far behind everyone else
or im either too far ahead
im never just constant with anyone.

i never thought i'd learn to drive and be successful
i never thought i would actually do so well in college
i never thought i would be in such a serious relationship
i never thought i would meet the parents of a boyfriend and love them
i never thought i would get a job and really enjoy it

im conquering all of these big milestones
and im doing it alone

next week i get my mouth checked out so i get my wisdom teeth removed
then i have an appointment to get invisalign braces
my mom insists that i cannot have crooked teeth for the rest of my life
but i think it gives me character

im using my planner
im staying organized
im laughing and smiling more than i ever have
but im also crying
and im worrying that im missing out
then i remind myself that what im missing out on isnt stuff i like
ive never missed out on something i truly enjoyed
because i always do what i really want to do, not what everyone else wants to
then i feel beter
and i laugh and smile and love my life again
im not scared to be left behind anymore or leave anything behind

"Arthur Abbott: Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend.

Iris: You're so right. You're supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for god's sake!"

yeah i just quoted that from the holiday but seriously i feel like im at that point. where i am leading my life and i am the main character. its sad to realize it shouldve always been like that. im not living my life listening to everyone elses stories of love and adventures anymore. i actually have my own.

in other news mikel's mom called me "mommy" of lucky and mikel "daddy" of lucky and it really freaked me out, because well do i need to explain this? i didnt like it at all. i mean i love mikel with my entire heart, but im not there. im not a mother to anything. im not ready to start a family. im not ready to settle down. i love being in a serious relationship, but that is way too serious for me. thankfully i talked to mikel and he completely agreed. we have years for that, but for now we will go kayaking! well he wants to go kayaking, but seriously? me? outdoors? what?

15th July, 2009. 7:40 pm.

its weird how open i am with the girls i work with
i just tell them everything and we talk about absolutely everything
they have really become some of my best friends.
i think its because they were people who knew nothing about me
i was never that little asian kid who everyone thought was oblivious to the world
i wasnt a child to them.
its nice sitting with jasmine and telling her personal things that i cant tell anyone else
because i know she wont be weirded out by it.
its nice talking about these things i always kept to myself.
my future is so different than my past.
i like my life and i like how its headed.
i never have to be in a group to have friends.
i never have to go far to be loved.
i never have to appease anyone.
i never have to act obnoxious to be liked.
i never have to defend myself or ask if anything is okay.
i never have to worry about how other people are going to react.
in this life ive created i am myself and everything is good.
i am the leader of my life and i dont have to follow anyone.
and i like that.

6th July, 2009. 8:44 pm.

i just registered for classes and im excited to go back
im ready for life to go back to usual
i like having a schedule and i like doing stuff the entire day by myself
its been one day into my break from work and im going to go insane
i mean i know work is only 3 hours usually and i complain
but its even worse just sitting around doing nothing
or doing shit that is just overall stupid.
i dont see how i used to sit around and do nothing all day.
i do not miss being that lazy at all
im ready for a constant week to sleep in my bed
and im ready for school supplies
im ready for weekend trips with mikel and lucky
and im ready for my future
ive made my own life here and i want to get back to it
summer is dragging along and its time for something new

18th June, 2009. 4:00 am. well i guess its been awhile

i guess i dont really talk about my life that much.
but lately its just worth talking about.
everything seems to be going correctly.
first i got a job.
now this seems like a very simple thing, but for me this was huge.
it was a step in the grown up direction and i got a lot of respect from everyone for being able to handle it. im not stupid, i know everyone doubted my abilities and strength to commit to something so permanent. honestly, its one of the hardest things ive ever done and probably one of the most eye opening. i know i want to be a teacher one day and this just makes it even more clear.
and before the job i got mikel.
this was surprising. i mean mikel is great, but seriously? who saw that shit coming? thats right! no one. but honestly i love this person. if someone were to fit me correctly, it would be that boy. we can lay next to each other for hours talking about what kind of shampoo i should get or what game he beat that day. i never get bored. we do fight...a lot, but at the end of the day we realize that the anger we feel fighting is nothing compared to how we actually feel for each other, so we just get over it. ive never felt so fascinated by a person or so entirely close to someone especially some boy as i do to mikel. we have a future and it doesnt freak me out. to me its so far fetched that we'll end up together, because that is so far away for me, but to him its not so insane and that makes me feel good. its nice to know someone wants to end up with me. its comforting.
its also comforting to know that i have awesome friends. i hang out with kyle, amber, and pat almost daily. were a family. and i know its not going to last that long because once summer ends and we all separate and its going to be tough to be so close, but its nice while its happening. its nice to have my friends home. its nice to see taylor randomly around the neighborhood or joya at ambers. its nice to know how real our friendships are. how no matter how far away they go they will always be there, how we can go an entire school year barely talking and then sit in house coffee for hours catching each other up. i figured out a long time ago how fake people are and how they waste so much of their time trying to impress each other. you shouldnt have to impress your friends. i got over trying to avoid doing certain things so i wouldnt be called out for trying to be "cool" and "trendy". so what? i wear v-necks and let kyle teach me how to longboard. i cant help my boobs look awesome in that particular t-shirt or that i like going down hills. half of my shirts are from a 5-pack of hanes and i totally eat shit everytime i longboard. at the end of the day i have a great looking chest and a lot of good stories. what will you have? if you sit around waiting for a chance to be original then youre going to miss out. there are millions of people in this world and you will never be the ONE person to do anything. making myself happy is more important to me than trying to be the only original person in south carolina. it seems like it would be pretty lonely.
i dont know where my life is going to go, and i honestly am not really that worried about it. i work hard at everything i do in my life now and it just seems to be working really well. when i look back i may have had more friends and less scabs, but they were all fake friends and mosquito bites. my life isnt one big question mark anymore, its more of a ... kind of feel.

18th February, 2009. 10:20 pm.

im going to start writing letters.
and i know i said i was going to awhile back
and honestly i wrote many but then i lost them or addressed them wrong
and then put them down and forgot they existed
but this time
im writing letters
and then im going to send them
keep an eye out for them

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